Those cocky %$#!

Its yet another long day at office, and you return to your home, with you shoulders hunched and unkempt hair making you look like you had a roller coaster ride. You throw your bag on the chair, kick off the shoes, and sit down to take off your smelly tattered socks. All done, and you get up from the chair to change into fresh clothes.

But wait. What’s that movement under your wardrobe? You switch on the light, and a dark brown guy looks up at you nonchanantly, his long antennae moving continually, giving him the impression of a poltergeist. And you direct your eyes to another corner of the same room, and spot another little fella waiting, probably taking lessons from his senior on how to mess with you.

“Aargh!” You exclaim furiously, teeth clenched. You take the nearest object from the table or chair, which is usually a newspaper, and run after those guys, brandishing the object and yelling out a war cry, that would make an American Indian proud of you. In a flash, those damn intruders scurry to the safety of their dark, dank bunker well hidden below the wardrobe. You stand in front of their hideout, muttering curses and tightly gripping the object in your hand. (P.S. Make sure the object ain’t sharp, else you will have to type with the weaker hand alone :D)

Sounds familiar eh? Ladies and gentlemen, this blog is about none other than our eternal nemesis, the ever cocky and sturdy brown specimen, the cockroach! *Sound of HIT spray in background*

History mentions some wars which lasted several years, including a certain “The 100 Years War”. But why has no mention been made of the eternal war between mankind and roachkind? Some cave drawings depict the neanderthal man using a juice from some kind of herb, as a cockroach repellant in their caves. In medieval England, King John Paul VII reportedly died of fright on seeing a cockroach doing butterfly strokes in his soup. And did you know why the Boston Tea party happened? Because the tea kegs contained cockroaches related to the swimming cockroach, which the British brought to America to sell the spoilt tea at cheaper rates. And an obscure reference in British India history mentions a cockroach hunt in Jim Corbett’s house, where Indian servants were rewarded for killing the maximum number of these pests.

Coming back to the present, these highly repulsive creatures are omnipresent in our world. They have survived for millions of years, and have adapted to drastic changes in the environment, developing robustness and sturdiness. Hell, even the mighty lizards which terrorized the Earth for millions of years could not even match the dastardly creatures in their survival instincts. They are virtually what every hollywood/bollywood hero is portrayed as – unbeatable, can’t be easily killed, can do outrageous stunts, can do item numbers(!! See the move Joe’s Apartment for proof :P), can easily attract heroines(how the heck do you explain the huge number of tiny roaches loitering about in the sink or washbasin?). And did you know that cockroaches can live for 15 days without their head??!!!(ha, even Terminator can’t live for a minute with his head severed :P). And to think of it, they don’t have to suffer from the weird Bangalore weather! No cold, no fever or whatever! Just fun and enjoyment for them.. lucky %$@!

Some people are not afraid of them, and boldly stamp them or swipe them away. Some people scream at the mere sight of them, and yell “mummy daddy!”. I belong to neither of them. I am not afraid of them, but I feel totally repulsed on seeing those creepy guys, that I have to ask my roomies to do the honours of extricating them out of our domain. There were times when I wake up and go to the wash basin to brush my teeth, and find a pair of antennae wriggling out of the small gap in the wash basin; when I go to the shower, and find a little guy having fun in the water, I reach for the broom and try to force it into the flush, and give it a watery departure. But the worst nightmare is when they fly around – I would rather be in a Saw movie than deal with flying grotesque creatures. 😐

In 8th standard biology, we had a section on cockroaches alone. Our bio teacher asked some of us to bring a specimen to class, to explain the body parts. Me being over enthusiastic, asked my grandma(Set Dosa granny :D) to catch one for me. But unfortunately, being the kindred soul she is, she gave me a bottle with a live cockroach, with a single hole in the lid to make it survive. I brought it to class, and my classmates were scared of me, thinking I would slip it into their bags 😛 My teacher was not happy seeing it alive either, but considering my efforts, she willingly showed its parts as it scurried about in its glass prison. On the way back in my school van, the cockroach escaped through the hole in the lid, and mayhem ensued for 10 minutes; I received an earful from the driver for bringing the damned creature in the van! 😦  In the exam, we had to draw a diagram of the cockroach. Being good at drawing, my diagram did justice to mr.cocky roach, but it was like an insult for me! Getting very good marks for it is another story though 😛

I have a score to settle with those guys, but they seem to be multiplying endlessly(good at mathematics i suppose :P). Never a day goes by without seeing them struttering across the hallway like a model on the catwalk. However, as quoted from the movie Unbreakable, “Every hero has a weakness”, these guys have an achilles heel too(err… i don’t know if they have heels or not; if they did, would they be wearing high heels? :P). Get them to fall flat on their backs – these guys will continue struggling to get their thin legs on the ground, and they are easy prey for you to “finish them quickly!” (Mortal Kombat Style ;-)).

These cockroaches are really tough, man! They …..  Err, wait! I spot one scouting around in the kitchen. It’s pay back time now; I got some dirty work to do. Till then, take care and have a cockroach free day!

P.S. If this blog grosses you out, here’s my attempt to cheer you up.

Q: Why was the cockroach sentenced to jail for 6 months?
A: Because of (h)encroach-ment on private property.

If its really bad, its ok. Have a cockroach free day! 😀